“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
You Might Also Like
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
If looks could kill
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
My flabber has been gasted.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control