DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
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Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
My dad teaching me to drive
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Great acting.. 😂
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.