Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
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BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.