Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
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you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Fights fire with marshmallows
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.