law suits: quality garments for lawyers
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80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
What kind of a cult is this?
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.