Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
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[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.