Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
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Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Succinctly put.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Have kids, they said
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
dutch is not a serious language
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???