Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
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Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Me trying to walk in a dream
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.