Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
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Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Got him!
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka