me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
You Might Also Like
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.