[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
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I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
He just like my cat fr
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Hello Twits.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw