I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
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Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Me too 😆
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.