My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
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In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.