HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
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HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?