*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
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Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy