This is always good for a laugh.
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This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
✌🏽
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks