Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
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never ask a starfish for directions
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up