I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
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Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I cannot stop laughing at this
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”