Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
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When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.