I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
You Might Also Like
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.