God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
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My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.