Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
You Might Also Like
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.