Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
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my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
God has left this place
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁