Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
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Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.