My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
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I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Grandmother clock.