Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
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DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
This kid is going places
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
the best thing i’ve ever made
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy