You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
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My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer