Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
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afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!