I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
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Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.