Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
You Might Also Like
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for