When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
You Might Also Like
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?