Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
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“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Ugh but profoundly
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.