I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
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Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.