Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
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Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree