Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
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364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.