cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
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[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
My five year plan is a meteorite
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water