*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
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The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.