Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
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The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Basketball
sistine chapel
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.