Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
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As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
How animals would run if they were human
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Name another movie that mislead you?
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.