The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
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My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.