I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
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The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
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