You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
You Might Also Like
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
hi why am I like this
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
A huge thanks to the person that did this
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.