I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
This is me 🤣🤣
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’