ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
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me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
I hate my earbuds.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.