REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
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As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.