12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
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THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me: