5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
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I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.