I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
You Might Also Like
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
no their not
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.