Who called it cremation and not ashashination
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airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
every single time
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.