My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
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ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Merica.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?